Loveless
by Shadowed Horizon
Summary: "So don't go back. You won't ever know if your leaving made any difference at all." Gabe was right, again. Twenty years after fleeing the community, Jonas returns to see for himself.
1. Chapter 1

A shout roused Leader from his slumber. He blinked once, groggily, unsure if the shout had been real or dreamed of. The sound of his front door bursting open answered his question immediately. He made no attempt to get up and confront the intruder, for there was only one person who ever did this.

"Gabriel," Leader yawned by way of greeting.

The light-haired young man grinned. "Sorry for waking you up, but Matchmaker just set the ceremony for next month!"

Leader rubbed his eyes and sat up. "Congratulations," he murmured. "What kind of advice did she give you and Dancer?"

Gabe winked and shook his finger at the elder. "Now, Leader, you know it's customary for no one but us to know." He was right, of course, and Leader acknowledged it with a sleepy laugh. Still, he countered, it was also customary for the general population to ask. It was one of a few traditions regarding life partnership in the Village.

Firstly, the title of 'Matchmaker' wasn't quite accurate; the old lady never had a say in the partnerships. Rather, she gave advice to couples who wished to spend the rest of their lives together, and helped to organize the celebration that would recognize the union. There was always the odd pair who did not take Matchmaker's advice to heart – not that anyone knew what she said, but when terrible, community-dividing arguments broke out between the pair, it was obvious that the situation could have been avoided. She wasn't perfect, but the Village found that couples were better off taking advice from her than from anyone else.

"There must be something you can tell me," Leader pressed. He wasn't particularly interested in what others called 'town gossip', but he liked banter with Gabe. The two had a special connection since Leader had saved his life twenty years ago, after all.

"Well, she did warn Dancer that 'men who refuse to accept their true natures' are dangerous and wily." Gabe scoffed and then paused, worried. "Am I, Leader?" Leader had to laugh.

He was a special case in the community, Gabe was. Ten years after his and Leader's arrival, Leader had decided to give Gabe a new name – Jester, since he brought life to the Village with his antics. But to his surprise, Gabe had staunchly refused, saying he did not want to be defined by one characteristic for the rest of his life.

"But it encompasses everything you are," Leader had protested, but Gabe shook his head.

"Jonas," he had said firmly.

Leader had seemed to withdraw. "That is not me," he'd whispered, "I am Leader."

Gabe had nodded. "I know. But don't you understand? I was only Newchild Thirty-Six when we left, and I'm Gabriel now."

"You were always Gabriel to me," Leader had said quietly. That had made the boy smile, but he hadn't replied. After a few minutes of silence, Leader had straightened up and nodded. "You will keep your name, Gabriel, because it defines all of your characteristics. Be proud of who you are." And Gabriel had smiled widely and thanked him.

Leader looked at Gabriel now, then past him to the window. He was surprised to see that the sun had already cleared the horizon and shooed Gabriel out. "You've made me late for my duties," he scolded gently.

Gabe only laughed. "Part of your duty is to check with Matchmaker for any upcoming ceremonies. All I did was save you the trouble." He skipped out before Leader could reply. Leader shook his head, bemused, then prepared to head out into the Village.

The only significant event that day was a burial for an elderly grand-parent who had suffered a terrible weakness. Leader's presence was required, but it was Preacher who spoke of the old woman's life and how there would be no more pain for her. Leader privately thought that release would have ended the pain a lot earlier; come to think of it, no one in his old community ever got sick. He wondered if this was a better system, allowing the family and community to grieve together. It made Leader very aware of the love between grand-parents and parents and children, but he still found it such a novel concept.

When the burial was over, Leader retired to place in the Village border where he often sat to sort out his thoughts and emotions. It was where he had first entered the Village, and he could still remember the awe he'd felt at all the colours and music and different kinds of people. He had spent the first week recovering with Gabe, all the while praying that this wasn't just a dream. It had taken a few years for him to adjust to this new way of living, without being disciplined for things like being out at night or saying a wrong word. He found it strange, too, how there was no Speaker and how people chose their own mates (partners, he had to remind himself) and had their own children. But he remembered that there were such ways of living that the Giver had shown him.

_The Giver..._

What would the old man say, Leader wondered, if he had come too? Surely he would have enjoyed it, this freedom of choice. Leader doubted if the Giver had ever really had a choice, especially after Leader's departure. In fact, given how Leader had stolen away at night, the Giver might have been punished. It was a painful thought that only led to more. How did his parents and Lily react? What about his friends, Asher and Fiona? And how would the Council of Elders have treated the Giver? Then Leader had to ask himself if he was at all like the Council of Elders – he was responsible for the goings-on in the Village, after all. But he dismissed it almost immediately because, unlike the Council, he would never give the order to execute someone just because they were old or were born a twin.

It was past midnight when Leader finally headed back to his dwelling, mentally exhausted. He fell asleep instantly, his mind filled with images from his old life, and woke up just as his twelve-year-old self was explaining to a young girl with braids that elephants were real. He found it almost amusing that he was dreaming of his past; it was like the community itself and its strange rituals were just figments of his imagination.

Leader shook off his musings and went about his business in the Village. He formally congratulated Gabriel and Dancer for their upcoming ceremony, something he should have done the day before but put off because the burial had made him uneasy. They both thanked him, and then Leader asked Gabe, less formally, if he would be coming over for dinner later. Gabe confirmed it after a quick discussion with Dancer.

Being able to visit other dwellings in the Village was one of the many things that Leader enjoyed. He'd never done it in the old community, but had seen some such interactions in the Giver's memories. Though he had no spouse or children of his own, Leader somehow felt as if he were part of a large family whenever he shared a meal with other residents. Gabe visited quite often, but Leader suspected that those would become less frequent now that Gabe had his own life partner to think about.

"You stayed out later than usual yesterday," Gabe remarked halfway through the meal. "What were you thinking about?"

Leader chewed a mouthful slowly. "The burial." He had explained to Gabe countless times the process of release.

"Ah." A silence followed. Then, suddenly: "Why don't you just go back?"

Leader frowned at Gabe, but the younger man sported a serious expression. "Go back?" He laughed shortly and without humour. "I can't."

Gabe snorted. "Why not?"

"I'm the Leader of the Village, Gabriel," Leader replied, more sharply than he intended. "I can't just up and leave whenever I feel like it."

"So you _do_ want to go back."

He hesitated. "It was...hypothetical. In any case, I can't leave the Village. What will they do without me?"

"Let's forget about what you can and cannot do for now," Gabe replied. "Do you or do you not want to go back?"

Leader picked at his food to avoid Gabriel's eyes. "What if I don't?"

"Fine," Gabe snapped. "You don't go back. You don't get to know what happened to the Giver. You don't get to see your sister or your friends. And you don't ever know if your leaving made any difference at all in the community."

"The people need guidance," Leader muttered.

Gabe countered, "And they got along just fine before you came along."

Leader shoveled the rest of his meal in his mouth. He tried to think of another argument, but the truth was that he needed to know what happened.

"What are you really afraid of?" Gabe asked softly.

"I can't help thinking about hiding from the search helicopters." Both men were quiet for a bit, recalling the terror of those days. Though he'd only been two years old, Gabriel vaguely remembered their wild flight.

"You're older than when you left. I'm sure you look quite different from when you left. Besides, if your plan worked, then the community won't care about a passing stranger, will they?"

Leader had to agree.


	2. Chapter 2

From a hilltop a kilometre away, Jonas could see the river that bordered the community. It was just as he remembered it, and for a second he feared that the community would be unchanged too. He shook his head violently to rid himself of the thought and concentrated on making his steady way to the bridge that crossed the river.

It had taken him almost two months to reach this point. He'd had to wait until after Gabriel's ceremony, and then explain to the Village that he was going away for a bit. Once on the road, he had taken his time, trying to prepare himself for what he might see. Part of that included shedding his identity as Village Leader; he didn't want to walk into the community as someone in a position of power. The only other identity he could be, then, was Jonas, the boy who could see beyond. He hoped that he had been away from the community long enough that he would not be recognizable.

Jonas hopped off his bicycle when he arrived at the bridge, opting to walk across instead. Being back in the seat had made him feel a little like the fugitive he had once been, even though the bicycle looked nothing like it had twenty years before. It had been repaired and altered as the years went on, just waiting for someone to use it again.

As he crossed, a group of laughing children ran by, slowing down to stare curiously at him. Jonas froze, gripping the bicycle handlebars tightly as one brown-haired boy approached him. To his relief, the boy only directed him to a small inn where the small number of travelers to the community stayed. Jonas relaxed his hold on the bike as the children trotted off. He let his eyes wander around him, taking in the buildings and streets that made up his old home.

His first impression was of colour. Even though he'd been aware of blue skies and green grass when he'd left, this was the first time he had really taken in the buildings. Most were different shades of grey, reflecting what had once been Sameness. But some buildings were brown or dark red, and there was even one in the distance that looked to be many different colours. Jonas thought that it might be the daycare where his sister Lily used to stay.

The inn wasn't far, but it took a good twenty minutes to get there because Jonas kept swinging his head around to take in different sights. He really did feel like a passing stranger, completely unfamiliar with his surroundings. He took care to park his bike at the inn, thinking of the way Asher's bike had never been upright. Then he entered the building.

"Hi, there!"

The chipper voice made him turn to the left, where a pretty young woman stood behind the counter. She had brown hair and brown eyes and looked only a few years younger than Jonas himself. Strangely, she looked familiar as well.

"Hello," he replied cautiously.

"There's nothing to be nervous about," she said, and smiled. Jonas thought that he recognized that happy, almost mischievous smile. "You're new here, right? How about I get you settled in a room. My name's Lily, by the way."

"Lily?" It had come out without Jonas meaning to, but it made sense; she really was his sister. He hurried to smooth over his fumble. "My – my name's Jonas." He cursed mentally – why had he given her his real name? She might be his sister, but she obeyed the community's rules above all else.

"What a strange name," she remarked. "It's so outdated that I've never heard of anyone with that name." Jonas gave a weak laugh. He changed the subject and was soon sitting on a bed in his own quarters, eating the evening meal provided. Afterwards, he lay back, tracing patterns in the ceiling with his eyes.

Why hadn't his own sister recognized him? _I recognized _her_ after twenty years._ He was half grateful though, because he had broken several major rules on the night of his escape. He tried to imagine what his dwelling must have been like the morning after. His parents would have been upset to learn that their previously well-behaved child had committed serious transgressions without apparent provocation. He imagined that they would have tried to keep Lily's attention from it for as long as possible. A thought crept into his mind: would they even have cared?

It was a startling and painful idea. But, Jonas mused, one that made sense. Most of the community's rules had been designed to keep members emotionally separate so that they wouldn't turn on the community. He had seen things like that in the Giver's memories, where deep and complex relationships between residents had caused uprisings. After all, the word "love" had been considered inappropriate; there were pills to suppress the Stirrings, feelings that might cause revolutions; Sameness had been created to eliminate choice; and the Council of Elders had very, very carefully monitored each citizen.

Thinking of the community's governing body made him think of all of the Ceremonies they held. Jonas smiled as he recalled each of his twelve ceremonies and Lily's eight. He did regret not being able to watch her last four, but hoped that at least she'd been able to choose her own path. He wondered what the Council would have Assigned her to – maybe Storyteller, like their mother had once suggested.

Were his parents still alive? Jonas insisted to himself that they must be; there were grand-parents in the Village that were older than they. He decided to check in the Records the next day, trying very hard not to think that they had been Released already. In the back of his mind, a small, cruel voice whispered, _your father would have deserved it_.

Jonas straightened up, shocked. Had he really thought of something so horrible? He tried to squash the idea. But, as always when he thought of his father, he pictured the Release of the twin and his gut clenched painfully. That poor twin, who hadn't even lived a full hour before his life came to an end...that poor twin, whose existence almost no one knew about...that poor twin, whose passing had been just that, with no Ceremony or anything.

Then it clicked. There were three Ceremonies that recognized birth and death – Release, Loss and Replacement – and when Jonas and Gabriel hadn't been retrieved by the Searchers, the community would have performed a Ceremony of Loss for them both. Jonas recalled the one he had attended, for a child that had drowned, and thought of the way that the name followed the Lost one into oblivion. He stood and stretched, silently forgiving Lily for not remembering him. _Twenty years is a long time. Besides, she was only eight years old then._ He fell asleep shortly after, anticipating a long day ahead.


	3. Chapter 3

Jonas awoke to find the morning meal set by his bed. He sat up eagerly and consumed it in minutes. Once he was ready, he headed back down to the lobby to ask Lily about the different "sights" in the community. He didn't really need to, but asking her about the community would be the quickest way to learn about the changes.

Lily spotted him and waved him over the moment he set foot in the lobby. She looked tired, but was still cheerful as she greeted him and asked about his night. Jonas answered with an easy smile, happy to be talking with his sister. She excused herself briefly to fetch a steaming cup of tea.

"If you don't mind me asking, didn't you sleep at all last night?" Jonas inquired politely.

Lily shook her head, yawning hugely. "No, some members of Law Enforcement came by early this morning. I wasn't able to go back to sleep, so I've been up for a while."

Jonas made a sound of sympathy, but couldn't help asking, "Law Enforcement?" That was a new term.

"Oh, right," Lily said. "I forgot that you're new here. It's just that you remind me of somebody that I used to know."

"Is that so?" Jonas muttered. Maybe the Ceremony of Loss hadn't taken away all her memories of him.

"Yes, but it was such a long time ago, I don't remember his name," Lily sighed ruefully. "Anyway, in the community, we have groups of people who do different things, like Food Distribution and Maintenance. There's a new group called Law Enforcement. They patrol the community and make sure everyone is peaceful, but don't really do much."

"So why did they come here?"

"It's a bit of a routine," she replied. "They ask me if I've seen anyone suspicious or dangerous because strangers to the community usually come here first."

"And there's no one like that here, is there?" Jonas pressed anxiously. It sounded like Law Enforcement had been created after his escape – whether because of him or the memories he had left behind, he didn't know.

Lily shook her head and took a gulp of hot tea. He relaxed, then asked a question that he had been thinking about. "What group do you fit into?"

She looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

"You said that there groups like Food Distribution. Which group do you belong to?"

"Well, I work on my own," she answered. "A while ago – it must have been years and years – something...happened in the community. I couldn't describe it to you if I had a million years, but the whole place just _changed_. Anyway, a little after that, we started to accept strangers, just like you, to stay in the community. For those people who only came to visit, this place, this inn was built. When I was old enough to get my Assignment – that's like a job – I decided to come here. I just love to listen to travelers' stories. Which reminds me, I haven't heard yours yet."

Jonas laughed. More than anything else, this love of stories seemed to prove that this woman really was his younger sister. "I come from a place called the Village," he started, and smiled when she leaned forward eagerly, all traces of exhaustion erased. "It's not much, really. But just like here, we all pitch in somehow."

"So what do you do?" Lily asked. Jonas paused.

"I give advice," he finally said. "It took me a long time to reach the Village, so when I got there, I knew a lot."

Lily was amazed. "Wow. So you're like the leader."

He grinned. "Yes, exactly."

"Why did you come here?" she asked. "I guess you just wanted some adventure?" Jonas nodded. "But there are other communities around. Why here?"

"I thought I'd go to the end of the road first and then visit the rest of the communities on my way back," Jonas fibbed. On his way, he'd hardly noticed the other communities unless he was running low on food. Lily only nodded and began to tell him of the different places within the city, all of which Jonas already knew, but pretended otherwise. He thanked her and set out. His first stop was his own dwelling, or as he told Lily, the House of Old. Both were in the same direction from the inn, so he could "get lost" on his way to the House of Old and stumble upon the dwellings that he once lived in.

His old dwelling looked exactly the same as it had twenty years before. The only difference was that the bicycles in the dwelling ports bore different names. It felt strange to Jonas to know that strangers were eating and sleeping exactly where he used to; whenever he had thought of his old dwelling, he only imagined his sister and parents occupying it. But that was the way the community worked, giving new family units the houses of the old ones.

The House of Old looked unchanged as well. Jonas went inside to speak with the receptionist, pretending once again to be a traveller. He told her that he was curious about the different methods each community used with regards to its citizens. Among many trivial bits of information, Jonas did learn that Release was only used when necessary, if the Old requested it or was medically examined and found to be in ill health. He found himself thinking about the burial of the sick grand-parent he had attended, back in the Village, and whether his citizens would sanction Release.

Over the next two days, Jonas passed by his school, his old friends' houses, Lily's old daycare and the Birthing Centre. He saw evidence of change in each place, most notably in the Birthing Centre. Already close to the daycare, the two facilities had been merged. Births were being allowed in families now, with the Birthing Centre used only if a couple were unable to conceive. Though the technology was still new, it was also possible now to choose which sorts of traits the Newchild might have. So far, Jonas learned, these traits had to come from the parents themselves, but the creators of the new technology were hoping to expand the selection beyond what the parents might have. That meant that most everyone in the community still had dark-coloured eyes; Jonas could see now that most people had brown eyes. His own, he had discovered just that morning when looking into a mirror in the inn, were a light blue. Compared to the dark eyes around him, he felt that they had a bit of an unearthly quality to them. Even in the Village, he and Gabriel were the only ones to have such oddly coloured eyes.

Another three days passed with Jonas wandering aimlessly about the community. He didn't feel quite ready to leave yet, but there was nothing more for him to see. He spent most of his time either talking to Lily or walking up and down the river.

When Jonas's restlessness reached its peak on the eighth day, he decided to make one last visit: to the Annex. Knowing that the Giver was already old when Jonas left, he hadn't thought that there would be anything interesting in the old man's quarters. After all, there was no more need for a Receiver of Memory. But Jonas felt that he couldn't leave until he knew for sure.

He felt nervous and rather like an intruder as he quietly slipped in the door. There was no receptionist, as he'd suspected, and the desk was a little dusty. But he was surprised to find that the door leading to the Giver's room was locked. He stared up at it, feeling frustrated and annoyed, and placed his hands on the door to give it a good, if hopeless, shove. He froze when he heard the sharp voice behind him.

"The door is locked."

Jonas turned slowly to see a young woman staring guardedly at him with light green eyes. Her sleek dark hair was bound tightly behind her head, making prominent her angular cheekbones and chin. She reminded Jonas of one of the hunting birds he had seen from the Giver's memories – what were they called? Raptors? Whatever they were called, both they and the woman in front of Jonas looked fierce.

"I – I know," he stammered in reply.

"Then why were you trying to push it open?" Though she was younger than him, Jonas felt like cowering and blabbering apologies. She hadn't blinked once as she stared him down.

"I just wanted to see what was inside," he said feebly. It was true, but he didn't think she would let him in. He wasn't wrong.

She replied, "There is nothing of importance inside."

"Why bother locking it then?" He knew instantly it was the wrong thing to say. Her eyes narrowed dangerously.

"What is your business here?" she asked coolly. "If you are lost, allow me to give you directions to your destination."

Jonas shook his head. "No, I'm a – a tourist."

"Is that so?" she looked at him disbelievingly. "A strange place for a visitor, don't you think? This musty place is a poor representative of the community. May I recommend more satisfactory sights?"

Feeling it would be a wise time to tell part of the truth, Jonas picked his next words carefully. "As a matter of fact, I heard tell of a strange man living here. I heard that...he could see things...and hear things beyond what – what normal people can." It was the closest he could come to describing the Giver to a stranger. How could he explain the transfer of memories, and the perceiving of new concepts and words?

The female stepped back. Jonas could see her body tensing as if she was preparing for a violent confrontation. He braced himself.

"Who are you?" Her voice became hostile. "Tell me!"

"I – my name's Jonas," he replied quickly. At this point, he figured that he was in trouble whether or not this person knew his real name.

"Jonas?" she whispered wonderingly. She stepped closer, but Jonas could see that the fight had left her body. Suddenly, a sharp pain between his legs made him drop to the ground, moaning in pain. He felt her pull back his eyelids momentarily. Jonas opened his watery eyes when he felt her release him and take a step back. Now defenceless, he could only wait to see what she might do.

A hand entered his field of view. Startled, he looked up to see the female's own pale eyes shining with tears, a timid, awed smile on her face.

"I am Katharine," she said. "Welcome back, Jonas, Receiver of Memory."


End file.
